sigh...

i hate the way it makes my hair, clothes, and hand smell but i still do it. after boring classes, after long afternoons in the office, after a bowl... my trusty parliament lights and zippo have conspired against me and are planning my death.

cigarette in hand,
smoke lingers above my head;
i breathe easier.

is anyone home?

i hardly ever see my roommate and nowadays, she hasn't even been coming home to sleep so it's like i live in the apartment by myself. it's nice because i can sit around in my underwear eating cheetos and drinking a beer and watching project runway and melrose place and not feel like such a bum. but sometimes, it can get a little quiet.

unbroken silence
permeates through every cell
as i sit alone.

wai?

i sleep with my cell phone on my bed side table and when it vibrates, it scares the shit out of me, especially when it's 3 am. but i'll still pick up and have a conversation because sometimes, the best time to talk is when no one is awake but us.

early morning calls,
barely awake responses;
it's good to hear you.

party hard

i feel like most of my december was spent partying. i spent a week in nyc and it was there where i would place my number one most embarrassing drunk moment. please don't ask. and the long weekend in san francisco with las hermanas tu and honorary hermana stevie was just one giant drunken/high new year's party. oh, it's been a fantastic winter break.

bruises all over--
reminders of a good night;
stop drinking (for now)...

here comes the sun

the first day i met z, he took me for a ride on his motorcycle. this was two years ago. now i no longer see taiyou (what i named the bike) but i see z all the time... i wish i saw more of taiyou instead. i'm only kidding. i love z! anyhow, it was my first time on a motorcycle but that was all i needed to realize that riding a bike is far better than being stuck in a car. i still want a bike of my own.

riding on taiyou
with my hands in your pockets,
i felt no worries.

dust buster needed

leaving my bedroom window open allows for the dirty l.a. air to blow in, bringing along with it dirty l.a. dust. *cough cough!* i hate dusting, mostly because it only pushes the dust back into the air to fall on another piece of furniture. the last line of this poem is the title of a faulker novel that i never finished reading. it too collects dust on my bookshelf.

thin layer of dust
collects on my cold body
as i lay dying.

wasted postal stamps

after a really long haiku hiatus, i've set away some time dedicated only to writing and so i'm back writing for my own mental health... but mostly for your reading enjoyment. ha!

i was reorganizing my desk and happened upon a collection of old letters i wrote that i really wanted to send at one time but never had enough balls (i guess you could say) to send them. they made me sad because if only they were read, some things may be different now, or maybe not. this haiku isn't a complete thought (or sentence of any sort) but i didn't feel like picking at it anymore.

letters never sent
with words never to be read
addressed to no one

november has come

happy first of november. as much as fall is my favorite season, i'm feeling a little down. maybe it's because there isn't as much daylight or that it's cloudy in the mornings or that i'm off prozac. only kidding!! this one reminds me of another haiku i wrote a while ago...

i'm hurting myself
looking for someone, something
that i'll never find.

moi?

i was sitting on the stairs outside of royce, having a coffee and cig break, and just watched people walk by. it's my favorite thing to do. but what if someone were watching me?

sipping cold coffee,
girl carefully contemplates
next haiku contents.

baby, it's cold outside

school has taken over my life so the only time i write is on the bus ride to and from school. and even then, i'm fighting for a seat or fending off the crazies. anyhow, it's kind of cold in l.a. now, or at least in santa monica. i can tell because i'm pulling out extra blankets at night and i do a little shiver dance when i wake up in the morning. the perks: i get to wear leg warmers and tights!

i wish you were here
to hold me when it's cold out,
to keep my heart warm.

one too many

the haikus i've been writing have been kind of depressing. i'm not sure why.

waking to nothing,
hung-over from daily life,
i need to throw up.

come again another day

it rained on tuesday. bizarre. not that it was because it was tuesday but because the rain seemed to come out of nowhere. monday night, around 1-ish, i saw lightning and felt a few fat drops of rain while i was sitting on the outside step of my apartment but i thought nothing of it. the next morning, i awake to the calming drippy droppy sound of rain. i love the rain, the way it smells, the crispness of the air, the light sprinkle on your face when the wind blows, and especially sploshing in puddles... is sploshing even a word?

unexpected rain
falling upon the pavement
becomes my playground.

oh it's such a perfect day

i love l.a. because most of the time, the weather is perfect. like today for example. there was a little overcast in the morning but it cleared up by mid-morning. it's sunny, but not too hot. breezy but not too chilly... just the perfect crisp day. you can almost tell that fall is approaching. i had my peanut butter and jelly sandwich and gala apple in the courtyard behind powell library today. i like sitting in the sun on days like these. as for the haiku, i know it's not quite autumn yet but it's only a week away.

seventy seven --
the perfect temperature
for an autumn lunch.

not-so-magic school bus

i take the santa monica big blue bus to school every morning. and every morning, i seem to pick the exact time to leave the apartment and find the exact walking speed miss the bus by seconds! i mean seconds! i see it pull away as i scurry across the gas station with my bag and bus ticket in hand. that means i sit around the bus stop for 10-20 minutes applying lipstick.

the bus gods hate me --
i missed big blue once again...
i wait like a fool.

sick of being sick

for the past 2-3 days now, i've been sick. i must have started wednesday night when i didn't sleep because i was working on a paper and studying for a midterm i had the next morning. hot face, cold fingers and toes, chills every now and again, stuffed up ears, sore throat... ugh, at least the day-quil and tylenol cold helps. i miss being healthy.

feeling feverish,
smelling of cherry cough drops,
i wait for my death.